His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Congratulations! We have a period
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
