Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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