i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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