Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
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I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
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Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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