At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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