After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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