Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
