dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
