I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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