Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
