"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
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his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
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Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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