We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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