woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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