Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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