I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
