I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
