You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
