i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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