The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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