Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
