I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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