That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I can text with my tongue
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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