i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
