I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
