the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
