I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
