Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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