Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And the cops told us we were all naked.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
