apparently the secret to your success is patron
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
