So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
