my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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