I am puke
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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