I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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