I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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