I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
