you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
