Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
