I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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