if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
