oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We need to rekindle our bromance
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
