i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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