When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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