Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
