Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
