I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I enjoy the company of your penis
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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