The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I would ride that face into the sunset
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
