You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We need to get me chipped asap
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
