I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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