why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
