i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
