i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
