I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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