now i know why i became what i already was.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
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I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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